I grew up in a family of covert narcissists. On the outside, we looked normal. Behind closed doors, it was constant emotional manipulation disguised as responsible parenting.

It looks like:

• Empty promises, counterfeit compassion, and suffocating disrespect.
• Blatant hypocrisy: ‘do as I say, not as I do’.
• Projectile projection: accusing others of all the things they hate about themselves.
• Stern deflection of responsibility and accountability, strategic gaslighting [a.k.a.: DARVO – Deny, Attack, Revers Victim and Offender)], followed by punishing silence.

I learned early on that what people say and who they are underneath are often two very different things.

That same dynamic is everywhere in adulthood. Corporate cultures. Politics. Institutions that claim to serve the people while quietly serving themselves. And it explains why so many people gravitated toward a leader like Donald Trump.

Please note: This is not a political argument. It is an exploratory analytical commentary on how the same psychological patterns of extreme emotional immaturity, that in some cases rise to the level of pathology, show up in private relationships and in public systems of power. I am not a licensed therapist, but it’s not hard to spot the distinct diagnostic markers in plain sight.

Covert Narcissism at Work

Performative empathy instead of real care Companies love to plaster “we’re a family” or “people first” all over their values pages… right up until a layoff or crisis hits. Then it becomes clear those slogans were more about controlling perception than actually caring for human beings. That is covert narcissism: saying all the right words to look good while acting out of pure self‑interest.

Image management over integrity When a company is obsessed with looking ethical, innovative, inclusive, or visionary while quietly cutting corners, ignoring harassment claims, or rewarding toxic managers, they are playing the same game a covert narcissist plays in relationships. The mask matters more than the truth, even if it means gaslighting the people closest to them.

Rewarding manipulation and punishing truth telling If you have ever watched someone get sidelined or “managed out” for pointing out inconvenient truths, you have witnessed this dynamic. Covert narcissistic cultures subtly punish dissent and promote those who play the game, tell the boss what they want to hear, or quietly clean up messes without holding anyone accountable.

Using “values” as a weapon This shows up when a company cherry‑picks its own stated values to shame employees into overwork, silence, or loyalty. For example, “We’re all about collaboration” gets twisted into, “Don’t raise that issue, it makes you look like you’re not a team player.” That is emotional manipulation disguised as leadership.

Chronic lack of self awareness at the top Covert narcissistic systems rarely engage in true self‑examination. Instead of asking, “Where are we harming people or creating dysfunction?” leadership doubles down on PR campaigns, motivational posters, and vague cultural initiatives, anything to avoid owning the mess.

Hero worship of the “visionary” leader When a CEO is treated like a savior, the entire culture starts orbiting around their ego. People tiptoe, overinflate praise, and tolerate dysfunction to stay in the good graces of the “genius.” This breeds the same confusion and self‑doubt you see in personal relationships with narcissists.

Bottom line A covertly narcissistic corporate culture doesn’t scream abuse from the rooftops. It quietly chips away at trust, gaslights employees about their worth, and hides behind glossy branding while making self‑preservation the only real value. If you have seen this firsthand, you are not crazy. You are just seeing behind the curtain. And once you see it, it is impossible to unsee.

Why Overt Abuse Feels “Honest”

In many ways, Trump’s style of leadership felt more honest to people because the abuse was not wrapped in the usual corporate speak or polished politician veneer. It was blunt. It was chaotic. And, this is the messed‑up part, it mirrored dynamics people already knew from toxic workplaces and even toxic families.

Direct abuse feels more real than covert manipulation Trump bulldozed the fake charm and doublespeak with overt insults, dominance displays, and unfiltered threats. For some, that actually felt more trustworthy than the covert manipulation they had been marinating in elsewhere. At least you know where you stand with a bully.

It scratches a deep psychological itch: clarity Covert narcissism leaves you guessing, doubting yourself, overanalyzing every move. Overt abuse, while damaging, removes the guesswork. People who are exhausted by gaslighting cultures often mistake blunt cruelty for authenticity.

It signals power in a world terrified of weakness There is a seductive logic: if someone is that unfiltered and still successful, they must be powerful enough to break the system. That is intoxicating for people who feel ignored and powerless themselves.

It mirrors childhood or workplace conditioning Many of us were raised or employed in environments where love, safety, or approval came from appeasing someone volatile. When a leader acts that way on the public stage, it unconsciously feels familiar, and familiarity often gets mistaken for credibility.

The devil‑you‑know factor People often prefer an obvious villain over a smiling one who quietly undermines them. At least with the villain, the mask is off, the rules are clearer, and the dance is familiar.

We Deserve Better

Trump’s style did not feel like a betrayal to many. It felt like the first time someone in power stopped pretending. Of course, the cost of normalizing that level of overt abuse is catastrophic. But if you have been drowning in covert narcissism for years, overt narcissism can feel like air. Twisted, but true.

A covertly narcissistic system quietly drains you. An overtly narcissistic system openly attacks you. Neither is leadership. Both are manipulation.

The fact that so many of us are relieved by the wrecking ball tells us just how deep covert narcissism runs in our institutions. We deserve better. We deserve leaders who can hold power without weaponizing it. We deserve organizations that care in action, not just in slogans.

Until we demand that, we will keep choosing our narcissist, one polished, one blunt, and telling ourselves it is the lesser evil.

I am done playing that game. I hope you are too.

About the Author

Kathleen O’Grady is a Master Certified Coach, executive coach trainer, and the creator of the Authentic Intelligence™ (AQ) framework. She’s the founder of Authentic Leadership Advisors and leads the Certified Authentic Leadership Coach (CALC) program for coaches who are done with surface-level scripts and ready to work with real complexity. For close to 20 years, she’s been challenging the outdated models that tell people (particularly women) they’re too emotional, too intense, or too much. Her work cuts through the noise, questions everything the system sold us about mental health and leadership, and reminds people that what they’ve been told is a flaw might actually be wisdom in disguise.